Category: Family

A Relationship Black Hole: Stop The Vicious Cycle

There is a very unhealthy dynamic that can develop in a relationship: the idea that an unkind and unwanted action gives permission for retaliation in equal proportion.

“You did this to me, so I can do this to you.”
“You spent this much, so I can spend that much as well.”
“You were mean to me, so I should be mean to you.”
“You lied to me, so I’m going to lie to you.”

Without intervention and an infusion of sanity, it never gets better; it only gets worse. This is a relationship black hole. It creates a cycle of unhealthy behavior, it nurtures insecurity, and it works against the relationship and each individual in a major way. A couple’s relationship should be complementary and benevolent, but retaliation makes it destructive and malevolent.

The fundamental tenets shaping your actions should not be hinged or dependent on someone else’s actions. Your response to someone else’s actions should not be dictated by the kind of person he or she chooses to be. It should be determined by the kind of person you choose to be. When you face conflict, you will be tested, and those elementary and fundamental parts of you will have a chance to stand out.

The decision is yours!

You decide what kind of person you are and what kind of values you live by.
The simple and hard truth is this: If someone treated you wrongly, being vindictive will not vindicate you. It’s a trap. If you choose to lie, saying “he lied first” will not absolve you from being a liar. If you choose to be hurtful, saying “she hurt me first” doesn’t make you any sweeter. Your fidelity, your purity, your integrity, and your character are yours, and no one else’s. You can hold someone accountable without losing yourself. So, if you find yourself at a place where you are looking for permission, based on your mate’s actions, to act in a way that will corrupt your values, or act based on values you don’t support, you need a heart check.

Is winning the fight worth losing your soul?

If you are facing a tough situation at home, and you are willing to fight, let me encourage you to fight the right way. Your relationship with God should be what frames your character and keeps your integrity. What you have in Christ is stronger than what might be trying to corrupt your home. We learn from the Scriptures that “…the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” (1 Corinthians 7:14 esv). Your relationship with God is so powerful, it can change your mate and your family – it purifies their impurities, and it makes them better. If you are willing to fight, fight the right way; fight on your knees in prayer; fight for a healthy home life, and fight from a faith-filled heart, knowing that in Christ you are an overcomer. Don’t fight against the people you love, but fight for the people you love. Go higher, so that you can call them higher.

The next time you face situations, discussions, and disagreements, that cause your mind to be flooded with negative and vindictive thoughts,
Pause…
Breathe…
Think…
Don’t react based on what is coming at you, but respond based on who you are in Christ.

I’ll leave you with this:

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8 esv)

-JD

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3 Ways To Reevaluate How You Communicate

Throughout the years, my wife and I have sat down with people in relationships to give them guidance and counsel. Sometimes with one party, other times with both individuals. In the vast majority of those conversations, love was not the problem, communication was. We have found throughout the years that couples will often get into relationship pitfalls, not because love is inexistent, but because love is badly communicated.

If your spouse seems insecure about your love for her, if your mate is constantly trying to find reassurance of your love and care for him, it is time to reevaluate how you communicate.

Today I am giving you 3 simple questions to help you reevaluate how you communicate. Although I’m writing these with a focus on marriage, these principles apply to other forms of communication.

Question 1: What am I communicating?

Everything we do communicates something; we are constantly communicating.

You may be saying one thing, but communicating something else; you may think you are communicating love, but what you are in fact communicating is disregard.  You may think you are communicating commitment, but you are actually communicating your insecurity about the relationship.  You may think calling 5 times in 5 hours to check up on your mate communicates “I love you and I’m thinking of you.”  But what you are communicating is “I’m insecure about your commitment and love for me.”

Consider your what, assess your words and actions, and make sure your message is consistent with what you hope to communicate.

Question 2: How am I communicating?

If what you communicate is the content, how you communicate is the method. It is your responsibility to be positive and constructive. You can communicate in a way that builds, or communicate in a way that tears down. It takes intentionality to match the message to the method. You may be full of love, but if your posture, tone, and approach show indifference, stress, and disregard, your mate will never be able to see past it.

Here are a couple of things to keep in mind when considering how you communicate:

  1. You can’t mindlessly speak your mind, and expect your mate to receive a mindful, thoughtful, and considerate message. Make sure your words and actions are measured for the desired outcome.
  2. One of the principal reasons for misunderstanding is lack of clarity. If you are trying to address an issue, confront a situation, or affirm your love for your mate, it is your responsibility to make sure you are understood. If your message is not clear, it is unfair (and by unfair I mean wrong) to fault your mate for not understanding you. Sounds obvious when you read it, but so many individuals in committed relationships overlook their responsibility to make sure they are understood – it is the communicator’s responsibility to make sure the message is clear and understandable. Sure, your mate must be willing and open to receive your message, but if you establish a track record of clarity and positive communication, you will see much of the misunderstandings, bickerings, and lack of connection dissipate.

Question 3: Why am I communicating?

If what is content, and how is method, the why is the motivation of your communication. The importance of keeping your motivations in check can never be overstated. The complex part of a couple’s relationship is not the relationship itself, but each individual. Two individuals, each with a set of temptations, weaknesses, pitfalls, and life-perspectives of their own, attempting to function in harmony, are required to remain committed to the right kind of motivation.

In couples communication, motivation trumps everything.

When you ask yourself “why am I communicating this?” follow-up with questions like:

Am I trying to persuade my partner my way?
Am I using guilt to manipulate?
Am I inciting pity to get what I want?

When your why comes to light, it might not be a pretty sight. You might be face-to-face with a side of you you don’t always want to admit is there. Don’t be prideful. Don’t give in to denial. Don’t justify it. Instead, address it. Keep your motivations in check. Especially those parts of you that can damage, and even kill, a relationship that could be life-long, harmonious, and positive.

If you and your mate ask yourselves these three questions; if your content, method, and motivations remain consistent to your love and commitment for each other, you will be able to dramatically improve your communication.

Our prayer and desire is that your relationships may be healthy and whole, that your children may feel secure, and that your home may be full of harmony, love, and peace.

We love you,

-JD

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3 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Relationships

Have you ever witnessed an unhealthy relationship? Both parties have no respect for each other.  They often cast blame on the other person for things they are partially responsible.  There is no mutuality, and instead of moving forward side-by-side, they are pushing against each other and going nowhere.

 

Health in relationships, or lack thereof, is the hinge on which every part of society either progresses or regresses.  Think about the success of every invention, business partnership, new product or idea. They depend on healthy relationships, don’t they?  As we have seen and witnessed, relationships can either enable or disable political, scientific, and artistic progress.  

 

It doesn’t take long to realize that the degree of intimacy and connectedness of a relationship is what determines its impact on those involved.  Simply and more obviously put, the closer you are to someone the more you will affect him or her.  That’s why romantic relationships have the potential to bring us so much fulfilment and satisfaction, and at the same time, so much heartache and pain.

 

When bad break-ups happen, typically bad relationships are to blame.  But is that accurate? If we were able to read between the lines of the various relationship epitaphs that are announced daily – from “irreconcilable differences” to “consciously uncoupling” – we would find, more often than not, that the health deficit of the individual is what really killed the relationship.  Unhealthy people, who are oblivious to their state, get together.  The unhealthy habit, belief, or feeling finds another set of eyes.  Eyes that are unaccustomed to it.  And so the attrition begins.

 

A healthy individual, then, is the first requirement for a healthy relationship.  You can’t demand of a relationship what you won’t contribute to it.  So, today I want to encourage you to let go of three things. If you do, it will dramatically improve your relationships:

 

  1. ANGER:

 

Of the many feelings that can affect relationships, anger ranks pretty high.  A 2015 NBC News survey reveals that 68% of Americans get angry at least once a day.  Anger itself can bring such a high, we can grow accustomed to its thrill.  We can get angry about politics, we can get angry about our jobs, we can get angry with strangers driving near and around us. We like to think we only channel it toward the bad, and we justify it in our minds as a gateway to justice. But harbored anger will eventually affect those we never meant to harm.  Growing resentment from harbored anger will increasingly affect our judgment.  Anger can cause you to build walls and isolate from those around you.  Outbursts of anger can leave lasting damage on all those affected.

 

If you have an anger problem, there is no better time to let go than today.  Those closest to you are bearing a load they were never meant to bear.  To let go of anger, exercise forgiveness.  Decide to forgive daily, and to forgive quickly.

 

  1. SHAME:

 

Contrary to what you might think, shame is not a feeling, shame is a belief system.  Dr. Sandra Wilson writes on Hurt People Hurt People that, “shame is a deep soul-belief that there is something wrong with you that is not wrong with anyone else.”  When you carry shame, you have a distorted view of your identity – you cannot properly assess your capacities and abilities.  Shame limits.  Shame confines.  Shame is a like broken mirror, you can’t see yourself whole, all you see is the broken reflection of yourself.  

 

If something happened to you; if you were told things you eventually believed about yourself, and because of it you are bound by shame, it is time to be free.  It’s time to restore your identity.  You are not a mistake, you are not a loser, you are not unworthy.  You are a child of God.  You have talents, capacity, ability, and potential.  Expose the lies.  Tell God, in prayer, what you have wrongly believed about yourself, and begin embracing your true identity – a victor! Not a victim.

 

  1. GREED:

 

Perhaps the most encouraged and permissible craving that can be deeply detrimental to us today, is greed. Greed can mask as drive for success, but there is a tell, greed is always selfish. Greed is a craving, and can never be fully satisfied.  It will enslave you to its desires, and it will make you dishonor those you love.  Greed puts its lusts first, and your loved ones last.  It corrupts character, and destroys integrity.  Greed promotes no values other than placing undue value on what it wants.  Greed is compulsive and obsessive.

 

If you battle with greed, it is time to starve it.  Let me make this clear: Greed doesn’t make you rich.  The grace of God, coupled with hard work and well-seized opportunities do.  On the contrary, greed consumes what you earn. Yes, you beat greed by starving it, but you don’t starve greed with lack, you starve it with generosity. Generosity is putting others first.  Generosity is giving.  And generosity comes with a promise found in Scriptures:  “The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.” Proverbs 11:25 nlt

 

These are not the only things that make a healthy mind and soul.  But, if you practice forgiveness, if you believe in your heart you are God’s child, and live like so, and if you give generously, you will sense health within, and everyone of your relationships will benefit from it.  Especially those closest to you.

 

It’s time to go to the next level.  Let’s do this!

 

-JD

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Fight On!

Remember when reading was a big deal for you?  Look at you now!  You’re reading this post not even realizing how great you are at it.  You’re probably using all your brain power to determine if this post is worth your time, and whether you should continue reading it. There was a time in your life, though, when you didn’t have the cognitive margin to read and analyze what you were reading at the same time.  There was no room for critical thinking.  All your energy was spent putting letters together and making out their collective sounds.

As we get older, we forget an important part of the learning process.  When it comes to our abilities, mediocre is our starting point.

The most basic things you do without a thought, at one point, required all your attention and presence of mind. Walking, talking, reading, brushing your teeth.  I hate to break it to you, but you weren’t great at those things right out of the womb (how weird would that be? A teeth brushing baby!) There was a learning process, and through that process, you had to overcome a lot of resistance.

We started 2018 saying this will be your year to advance!  To advance in every area of life, but specially areas that have been stagnated and inactive.

To advance, however, you may need to relearn somethings.  Advancing might require an intentional step toward mediocre performances. A new territory, a new idea, a new pursuit, a new strategy for an old dream might put you in a position where, even when you give your best, your performance is mediocre.  

Don’t let it discourage you.  Recognize that there is a difference between not having the talent required to be excellent at a certain trade or occupation, and learning a new skill.  Don’t talk yourself out of a dream or something you are meant to do because you feel inadequately mediocre at it.  Remember, mediocre is a common starting point.  Don’t quit because of it, but fight on!

If our bodies are what we eat, our minds are what we think.  The chief area we fight our battles is in our mind.  You have to win the battle in your mind before you achieve greatness.  When you know you are meant to do something, you need to replace the “can’t-do” thoughts that come to your mind with “can-do” thoughts; you need to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

I’ve lived this.

When I moved to Houston, back in 2003, I had to learn the english language and American culture.  I was 21 years-old, and I had a conviction that God called us to Houston for a purpose.  I knew in my heart God had a plan, and I also knew that plan depended on my ability to assimilate the culture and learn the language.

But everyday, negative thoughts came against me.  Thoughts like:

“You’re not gonna make it.”

“You’re never going to be great at it.”

“It’s too hard.”

“This will never be home to you.”

“You are alone!”

I had to do, what I’m telling you to do.  I had to create a way to change these negative thoughts that were coming against me, into positive thoughts that aligned with my conviction and life-calling.

So I printed this passage from the Bible on a large poster:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Then I said, “Ah, Lord God ! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth.” But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a youth’; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord .”‘ – Jeremiah 1:5-8

That was a word given to Jeremiah over 2,600 years ago.  If you’re not a church person, you may think this is silly.  But I channeled my faith and made this passage mine.  I placed that poster next to my bathroom sink, and for a year, I’d brush my teeth and look at it.

Day after day, I would look and think:

He formed me…

He knows me…

He consecrated me…

He appointed me…

He gives me the words to speak…

Before long, those negative thoughts were replaced with what God says about me.

Fifteen years ago I felt so mediocre, so inadequate, there was no room to believe. I had to fight on.  Today, though I’m still learning, the english language is the chief platform to what I do.

Don’t be afraid of starting.  If you feel inadequate and mediocre, don’t let it stop you.  Fight on!

-JD

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At The Right Place, At The Right Time.

Backyard2016Have you ever found yourself in a situation where it seemed as though the planets had suddenly aligned in your favor?

Last year, we were renting a townhouse and we had just increased our family by two babies at once (yes, we thought of having a second child and 8 months later we were welcoming twins. But that’s for a different post).  A couple months after the twins came home from the hospital, my wife and I learned from our landlord that they were going to sell the place, so we had to move out.  Initially we saw it as a good thing.  The place was okay for three people, but it was going to be tight for five.  So we started looking.  We had a dedicated and competent friend help us, but the more we looked, the worse it got.  The market was hot, and the prices were way higher than expected.  Our ideal place would be a stand-alone house with a backyard, and room for our church office.  But we learned quickly that such a place would cost at least $1,000.00 extra a month.

Pressure.

That’s all we felt as the weeks passed.  Our predicament had us searching for two bedroom apartments, in an effort to stay within our budget, but even that was impossible to find.  We placed 3 or 4 offers only to get outbid.  Now, after searching for three months, we had a month to go.  The friend who was helping us was about to get married, so he recommended we get someone else to help.  It was very generous of him.  We had visited so many places.  Done so much research, but to no avail.  And now it was “hail Mary” time.

Forty-five minutes.

That’s all it took for the problem to get solved.  It was 6PM on a Tuesday, and after spending most of the afternoon house hunting with 3 small kids in the car, our friend kindly suggested we bring someone else in to help.  We felt like calling a lady who had helped us previously.  We had not talked to her in months, but she was very helpful during our move from Texas to Connecticut.  When she answered the phone, she said “I was praying in my den this morning, and I felt like I needed to call you.  I was just about to call you.”  We told her what we were looking for and she said “a friend has a place he has not listed yet, but he is looking for a family to rent.  It’s a stand-alone 4 bedroom house, with a backyard.  Would you like to go see?” we were ecstatic!  “when?” we asked, “I can be there in 45 minutes” she said.

The house was old, but well-kept. It was everything we needed, including an office space (which is where I’m writing from right now.) and not only was he asking for the same amount we were paying, but the heating system used gas instead of electric, which would dramatically lower our utility costs through the winter months.  We signed the papers.

This story exemplifies what Scripture tells us.  Many of life’s opportunities are not a matter of ability or capacity, you just have to be at the right place at the right time to seize them.

“The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time.” – Ecclesiastes 9:11 NLT

You might not be the wisest, the fastest, the strongest or the most skillful, but there is one thing you and I can do daily.  We can invite God to direct and guide our steps.

May you have the vision, the courage, the confidence, and the wisdom to seize every good opportunity God makes available to you each day, and trust to follow His lead.

Let’s make the most of each day.

-JD

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